The Peasant’s Philosophy By Thomas Stanton
1.1 To be alive first one must open a beer, a favorite beer and disregard all commitment and responsibility. If you want to live you must look at the Elite and then look at your life, what is preferable? The Elite have money, yes, but with it comes massive responsibility: You have beer. What is preferable?
1.2 Life is as Beer through the body – first it is pleasurable then it becomes confusing later on it becomes painful but the next day you are ready to take a ‘crack at it’ once more. – Live your life as you enjoy your beer and all shall be well.
1.3 If you must clean the house do not be vexed by it, by yourself it is a chore but with a low alcoholic pal it is but a joy.
1.4 On all occasions when you bring your wife to the store – take advantage of the time you are spending together, buy two cases of 24, she has arms too.
1.5 Share your beer, you look much, much better to others.
1.6 Everything you say will make sense as long as everyone is as drunk as you are – be a friend, keep your pals well sauced.
2.1 If you come upon a stop sign, obey it – not because it is law or that it is red but because your foot too also needs a rest.
2.2 If you speed and an officer of the peace gives you a ticket for your transgressions be polite, hide your bird. If the officer of the “peace” spots the bird extend to him the index finger as well.
2.3 When you are angry stop for a moment and ponder why you feel so. If you find it to be caused by something you did try to dampen your feelings by outside substances, fat sugary foods help in this regard. If however you find that the anger was caused by another – do not confront him, use instead his wife – his life will become hell shortly after you tell her the tales of him being in the bar with another woman.
2.4 When you are in a shop make sure that you have pants with buttoned pockets, everytime you lift the button remind yourself that your wallet is slowly becoming as anorexic as the models who entice you to buy.
2.5 If you must look at adult film and photography remember to keep both hands on the keyboard. If you hands are on the keyboard you are technically “working” and who does not like a dedicated worker?
2.6 Peasants such as ourselves enjoy entertainment, movies and music especially – our betters do not like when we use these things for free – so remember, be a good peasant, shop in the “2 dollar” sales bin.
2.7 On a rainy day you could catch up on your budget but you would probably be better served by figuring out what had your wife so mad the previous week. Make up sex is the best sex.
2.8 If you are not good looking do not fret – you shall surely receive pity sex which is only second to make up sex. If you have pity sex, do not pity yourself because of it.
2.9 You cannot and will never know what you do not know – so even if you do know you can always act as if you did not know and no one can blame you for not knowing what you could not know. 2.10 All things are fair in love, war and credit reports – check yours often, make sure it’s up to date and creates a better impression on the reader than the real you would.
3.1 Women will love you as long as your bank account holds out, seriously.
3.2 Before you look at her faults take a look at your own – she is childish at times, you leave your boxers on the bathroom floor. She breaks out into tears for no reason, you cheer on sports which have nothing to do with your existence. – Be good to each other, and you shall get a 52′ plasma TV in the afterlife.
3.3 If she’s mad do not joke, she will think you are trivializing her feelings. If she is happy, she will hammer you if you are not as well. Now, if she is inbetween moods not happy nor sad – she is ready for sex.
3.4 When you are having sex you visualize her ‘sexiness’, when she is having sex she is visualizing what the child would look like. Be vigilant and cover your boy with the plastic guard.
3.5 Women will rarely sleep with a man whom she has not already decided would make a good potential father. All those with dicks had better listen up!
3.6 Women remain perpetual children until around 40, be patient with her.
3.7 Women will often ask you why you do not have “this” or “that” even if she herself does not have whatever it is she is criticizing you for not having, e.g a car.
3.8 Women are social creatures – very social, so social in fact that she will adopt anything which is new – ANYTHING all those with dicks had better listen up!
3.9 Women will turn their males into children and later punish them for being what she did to them.
3.10 Women already have a pussy – they do not need another one, all those with dicks had better listen up!
4.1 You wish you had as much money as I do.
4.2 Is it not fascinating that those who seek for money never find it? Yet those who work for the better always fall into riches? – Listen up!
4.3 You are rich as long as you spend less than you make, be frugal, except with your alcohol that’s too important to be budgeted.
4.4 All the jewelry that your girlfriend owns is an archive of her previous relationships. Listen up!
4.5 Money could be defined as that which separates the human from the animal.
4.6 Change is coming – I can hear the register.
4.7 Money has come to be the ruler of mankind rather than it’s servant.
4.8 The more money you have in your wallet during a one-night-stand the more likely you will receive a call informing you that you are going to be a ‘daddy’.
4.9 Credit Cards are funny things – You are happy when you get one, paranoid as you spend, depressed as you repay. Listen up!
4.10 God needs your money – send it in now!
5.1 If your boss is on your case daily remember two things: 1. He or She keeps your stomach full 2. He or She is also the prime cause of your indigestion and stomach problems.
5.2 Sometimes it’s best to keep your mouth shut even when you are dealing with a subordinate. There are many others under and above you who talk to them as well, one wrong sentence and you shall find yourself subordinate to the one you hate most.
5.3 If you look at the Secretary’s cleavage for too long you will fail to meet her gaze, if you fail to meet her gaze you will fail to bring in another pay-cheque. Be quick.
5.4 The boss is right; even when he is right.
5.5 Look closely for the brown-nosers, the suck ups and the like – during lunch be very tight lipped about them, and around them.
5.6 I know you think about drinking some form of alcohol during the work day, we all do, but you must have willpower; and plus you will need the stamina when you get home to your wife anyways, she has some new projects she wants to “talk” to you about…
5.7 Never tie the tie to tight, you need your brain: especially at work.
5.8 Always stand up for yourself!… After 5’oclock.
5.9 Never ever ever talk back to your direct superior unless you are certain that you have won the lottery and MAKE SURE that you won.
5.10 You’re there until you die – get used to it, and have a smoke… for obvious reasons and benefits.
6.1 If you can find a woman who loves ‘you’ for ‘you’ don’t be fooled send her off for she will be the one who wants to talk your ear off all night without sex. – Unless that’s what you want to do : “Not like there’s anything wrong with that”…
6.2 When you first meet a woman do not be swayed by her looks until you meet her mother, until that point you are under a delusion of what she will look like in a few years – reality tends to be a bitch. (Probably like her mother.)
6.3 In marriage if at first you don’t succeed… Quit and by yourself an escort every now and then. – No matter how old you are college girls always remain roughly the same age.
6.4 Ask yourself, “What is love?” “How did I fall in it?” and “Where the heck is my wallet???”
6.5 Use coupons and you can say hello to your palm for the evening.
6.6 You can place nothing above your lover, nothing – not even your sleep, health or money. – It’s all ‘ours’ now anyways.
6.7 For the young men who have fallen in love remember your Mother – yup, she’s cute now but in a few years that’s what you’ll be hitting (If you get any at all that is.) : pretty shitty deal huh? Unless you think your mother is hot… in that case you have much, much more problems than this book was intended to address.
6.8 No one can stand between you and your girl, except her lawyer and divorce papers.
6.9 If you cheat on her she gets 80% if she cheats on you she still gets 80% – God bless those brave soldiers fighting for your freedom and access to justice.
6.10 Women do not like this book – printing it out only to be found by her is worse than using coupons. (6.5)
7.1 Bacon is healthy and let no man tell you otherwise.
7.2 When you work out do try to actually “work out” the Gym is not supposed to be
a frat house and socializing for hours on end will never give you that ‘chiseled’ jaw shape that you are looking for so don’t even try it.
7.3 Always be polite to the women at the Gym, she knows she is overweight she does not need to be reminded and before you laugh at her take a look at yourself chubby.
7.4 If you work out long and hard enough you too will be the man, well… You will have muscles anyways.
7.5 The men at the other side of the Gym are not admiring your pecs that are admiring that sweet little ass of yours… Where else do you think Gay men “chill”?
7.6 Contrary to popular belief the Gym is not a good place to meet women – I shall allow you to ponder that one out for yourself.
7.7 Masturbation is not technically considered a ‘testicular cancer’ examination, but you can always pass it as such therefore if you can – grab at the opportunity.
7.8 Remember to take a multi-vitamin it’s great for your health and sex life and your lover will thank you for the added stamina you will get from it in a few weeks time. –
7.9 Treadmills are for sissies – take a mans walk, on the highway. – That’s where the real excitement is.
7.10 Don’t use anything to “bulk up” until you know you will be able to work it off – use them as if they were credit cards. – Debt and a fat ass are equally as appalling.
8.1 It would be best if you did not have children.
8.2 Remember what children actually are – screaming, shitting, whiny little brats.
8.3 It’s 3.AM I’m sleeping while you’re changing shitty foul diapers.
8.4 It’s 6.AM I’m having a coffee, smoke and reading the headlines – you’re changing shitty foul diapers and wiping up vomit.
8.5 Don’t do it if you like living – because once that goo bomb comes out of that crotch your life is over buddy.
(8.5 repeated x 5)